silent2long.copingwithdissociativeidentitydisorder
- Location: Nashville TN US
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Iam
08/10/08
Bright Blessings
Athena
deerstep
07/03/08
Hey Lisa!
Is this section of my 'view profile' private? I just want to make sure.
I didn't know for sure it was you, just had a pretty good idea that it might be you, just from 'listening' and remembering. I remembered when you first hooked up with your t, I think, and how much work that was to trust, to be able to speak. I remembered how frightening H had been before because of abuse that happened there, and I felt very angry that that happened to you and sad that a place that was suppose to be safe, such a traumatic experience there-- I'm sorry and I'm p-offed at the system.
Trauma H, that makes so much more sense, and awesome you are taking a proactive action to care for self, and in a better place and to avoid chaos of general H.
I don't want to go to much into detail about memory of dolphin site stuff, because I don't want to re-trigger you. Just know that I remember some things, have some background if you need to talk about those things.
But, I am so glad I found you again though! Delighted!
I am sorry you've been going through so many hard times recently. I didn't realize that you 'attempted' back in April-- was that 'you' and/or another really hurt part? I'm really glad you survived! I think you've got so much going, so much good and so much wisdom-- there's another side to this struggle that you've been going through, you survive through it, you will be able to reap the rewards of being a fully intact human being. Though it's a higher climb, than those who don't get a 'calling' (like PTSD, DID kind of puts us into that position ;) ), but I truly believe that when we get through to the other side-- we will be a force to be reckoned with!
You already have it-- an ability to cut through the illusions of your prior T-- do you realize how much courage that took? You felt it, you felt your littles in distress too, and no doubt obviously overwhelming, but rose above it, you took action to care for your self and everyone within.
You blow me away, this incredible courage you have, and I know it's likely that you experienced being scared right out of your mind-- and that's what makes it courage to me-- courage to survive it, courage to trust yourself and act on what you think is best, courage to take action, to believe in your self and right to better care.
If you don't beleive in your courage right now, give it time, one day you will look back in respect of yourself and see it, holy, man, I got through that?! When there were so many hurt parts and it was hurting, and you found courage. It blows me away, feel even a bit tearful, because I am moved by it. Fellow-survivor identification, perhaps :)
I think you've got a great plan-- trauma H, for extra support as you make the transition, time to boost with self-care, supportive community and to breathe through the grief. It's a big loss, especially given the time and care with the previous t, but also time to move on-- you just need to take care of yourself and all within. Trauma H sounds like a good place of safety and time for healing with lost parts to help them feel safe and experience safety.
My thoughts are with you and I am wishing for you to experience total safety within, total peace for all, calm, nurturing, safe. More of this, will carry us further, I believe.
I'm doing okay. I got some 'medicine' out of the powwow experience. I'm not necessarily a 'believer' in things I don't see, re: prayer-- I take it as an 'open experiment'. But I did pray by the Algonquin/Ojibwe 'sacred fire' and I asked for strength in mastering 'caring detachment' while other parts are suffering (ptsd, and variations in dissociate states, parts, etc.). So far, I've had a really good week and have felt energized, e.g. to take care of neglected household-- a thorough, re-organizing, re-decorating (found free used furniture from my building that was heading for the trash-- scored a lovely 'wardrobe/armoir'-- which I've needed, because I'm making room for my brother to move in). I'm make safe-spots within apartment, of e.g. child-nurturing station (stuffy friends, children books, crafts, games, etc); a healing station, e.g. yoga books, self-care books, meditation, objects that represent valued helpers in my life, e.g. crystal lotus flower for my old trauma-teacher-- to help me tap into her wisdom, encourage dialogue with in. Organized my magazines (yoga journal; National Geographic, Canadian Georgraphic. Oprah ;) [I dig Oprah ') ]; Time; and a select few gossip ones (Britney with weight gain--tee-hee-hee-- so cruel, I don't mean it, mean to have compassion). I want to do some 'collaging activities;-- one for dreams and future, how I want my life to be; one for naming pain, holding and letting go-- see collage/art therapy is great, a space for self and younger selves to get together to express, play, etc.
Collage is also a neat way to connect with inner creativity-- get ideas for songs, poetry, painting. And it feels good to do. I took some courses in 'expressional arts therapy' with the trauma program at college, and I think I'm going to give myself permission to play again. The other thing about making things, from 'expressional arts', is to have something concrete to reflect on, externalize what's been internalized-- and can 'talk', react to safely. My theory is that art for play and healing, is a good communication device for younger ones within (parenting and nurturing selves in a kind way, in a supportive way, in a tolerant an non-judgemental way-- be the parent, grandparent, etc., that I never had!!!).
I'm hoping to build energy for a newer me. I will feel better trying to move forward when I've got things better organized at home, have good 'feng shui' :) (it actually does make sense, I've got corners in my apartment that collect dust and junk, etc., and it does actually feel like it weighs me down-- so will resolve it, organize, and let 'chi' energies circulate)-- if it's not true in the 'mystical sense', it does make sense from the meditative sense, and if not, what seems right for me-- work with the illusions then, like, 'hope' and see what happens :)
I went through some h*ll at powwow, panicked, felt like I needed to leave, stuck it out, found supportive 'energies' in people (while others were frustrating to me) and felt like I reaped some reward. What was feeling unsafe, became safe with a bit of work, and a few trustworthy people on the scene. I saw the person who harmed me a few years back, staring at me, I dissociated behind my sunglasses, crying, felt really small-- actually shrunk in relation to objects around me (younger self), I bared with it, and was aware of what was happening-- had a 'detached I' who observed self's experiencing and remained present partially through it. Distress lingered on a bit-- I didn't specify what was going on, but expressed generally that 'I couldn't let go' to the 'fire-keeper' and he reminded me about finding my safe place and the importance of continuing to build that-- put worries over politics, etc. aside for a while. Good advice, grateful he understood, said the right things for the moment. So, since then, things have been better within, plus my own self-nurturing, toy store shopping, a couple of helpful books re: woman's mindfulness.
Hoping I stick with it, and follow through. Time to rebuild-- never took that time adequately enough in the past, always pushed myself to try to function, to appease outward judgments, realize it was spinning my tires, getting ahead starts with care of my self/selves. I feel positive and feel hope is real.
Just sharing a happiness.
Anyway, all the best with trauma H-- keep in touch, let me know how it's going if you feel like it, have time-- take care of You, #One. I wish you the very best of the experience!
Love (and Hugs ((((Lisa)))) ),
Love,
Kelly
Original comment »
deerstep
06/28/08
Yippee-- It is You!!!
I'm so happy!!! I've missed you and thought about you lots!
Safe Hugs ((((((Songbird!!!)))))))
We did some journeying together, and I learnt a lot from you. Your ability to share from your experience, helped me come out of denial about some things and helped keep me safe from a few situations (e.g. old pdoc). I know it's a 'virtual community' not the same as 'in person', but I am deeply grateful for your contributions and sharing your experience and wisdom.
I know you've been going through a difficult time-- switching Ts, and I remember the earlier days of struggling to trust, to speak, etc. It sounds like you made a good decision though, she took you up to a certain point (without the background in DID) and now you've found one with DID background and so less explaining, having to educate her, etc.
I'm happy that you've been able to identify safe H situations, e.g. trauma-specialized group, vs. general/emerg. And totally cool that you can go back for a 'tune-up'.
Knowing you from before, I could see a change though, an ability to put up a floodgate, to keep yourself safe, e.g. how deep to go into older traumas, vs. short form version, and attend to present situations.
And your perceptiveness, picking up on old t's denial, resistence to handle counter-transference. Super strong, this will be a gift, and help keep you safe-- I was totally blown away by your courage to express it and confront it, acknowledge it in yourself, the discomfort-- and your sophistication to articulate it. Bravo! (Ugg, I remember that being called 'strong' is something you may not trust? Is it still an icky spot for you? I will try to respect it).
Anyway, I'm so happy to find you again! I know you're heading off to trauma H, so you may not be able to respond for a while-- totally cool, take care of yourself. But, if you feel like it later on, fill me in on what's new? How's music going? BF? Friends? I remember you had a good friend, an ex-BF who was a good support at one time...?
Anyway, totally joyed to find you again!
Keep in Touch!
Love,
Kelly
Original comment »
deerstep
06/27/08
I'm really admiring your insights, your coping, and your ability to push on through things-- you are a great asset to this forum-- just wanted to let you know that.
Also, I wanted to ask if we have met before on-line with another forum? It used to be www.bein.com, but domain change and it belongs to someone else, then it was switched to www.ptsdsite.com (and I tried to find it again but unable to access it). I used to go by the pseudoname, "April-May" (or AM for short). There was an on-going thing about it being 'safe waters'...'dolphin friendly'-- metaphor for a safe forum. It included all kinds of survivors, vets, war civillians, abuse survivors, etc.
I miss my old friends from there, but I am happy to find this group. It's a good group here.
Anyway, just curious. Keep on working at what you're working on and working with-- because you are all doing great, and will get there together.
Take Care,
deerstep
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